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SUDDEN DEATH The death of a child has been described as the most distressing and long-lasting of grieves. (Parental Loss of a Child, edited by Theresa A Rando) When you then add the shock of sudden death – with no anticipating, with no warning – it is impossible to imagine or to describe the incapacitating and awful pain, then disbelief, attempts to find that it’s not true, it cannot be true, and then again the wicked pain of realization. Parental grief follows much the same path in all types of death; the loss is felt as deeply, but the shock response can be so intense that the reactions of the parents and siblings creates prolonged, debilitating and demoralizing stress. There has been no psychological preparation as in chronic illness, and the physical effects can be serious. It does depend, of course, on the coping ability which each individual has developed through past experience, but no past experience can prepare one for this trauma, this assault on every feeling. Initial shock does cushion the grief-stricken parent for a while. It can feel as if they are floating in limbo, not part of this physical environment, not fully aware of what is happening around them. This Nature’s anaesthetic, and once again depending on each individual, can last from a few hours on into months. Many parents will tell you they feel worse after three or six months. That is the shock wearing off, and the realization of reality beginning to dawn. I think the first reaction is disbelief – this can’t be true; there’s some mistake. No-one can immediately accept such a situation; one is quite unable to face it. A great deal depends on the way the shocking news is broken to the bereaved parents. Police, even medical staff are often hopelessly inadequate, and find it extremely difficult to be supportive. On the other hand, can there be a gently way to tell parents this dreadful thing? Sudden death takes a long time to process. There is no time-table for grief. Friends and family need to realize this, and to continue to nurture and sustain the bereaved for months, or even longer. After-shocks continue to occur – one cannot go past the child’s favourite food on the supermarket shelves without tears; seeing another youngster in similar uniform or sports-gear, etc., and the many small details of daily living and life-cycle events which affect all parents. Just as one gives warmth and support in cases of physical trauma, so the mourning parents and siblings continue to need supportive and compassionate nurturing from those around them. Every bereaved parent faces the same loss of hopes and dreams and expectations, of their very future. This is not unique to parents who have lost their child suddenly. The difference is that those who have been facing death from terminal illness have been preparing themselves, subconsciously maybe, possibly for years. They have been through many of the stages of grief previously, and in the end the dynamics are not the same. Yet each and every bereaved parent has to face his or her own thoughts about the purpose of life, and to find new meaning for their own lives after the loss of a child; each and every one has to examine his or her own anger and guilt – yes, guilt plays a part, realistically or otherwise. The first question often asked, is “Why? Why me? Why did God do this to me? What did my innocent child do to deserve death?” Previous, possible childish perceptions of God as a rewarding and punishing magician, who waves a magic wand, or who pulls the strings as if of puppets, do not hold up and one has to rethink one’s ideas about God and one’s faith. This can take a very long time, or forever, or be cast aside with the feeling that we want no part of a God who can do this. Of course many people are able to hold onto their faith and are sustained and comforted by their belief. Then come the “How’s? and the guilt. “We shouldn’t have let him/her walk to school; ride a bike; have a motor-bike; take the car …” and so on. The list is endless. Adolescents by their very nature are rebellious creatures. They will break rules and land up in trouble. It cannot be helped that they have left the house with cross words over what is now perceived to have been a petty nothing. All these matters rise up to plague bereaved parents. Similar problems trouble bereaved siblings and yet, this is what happens very naturally in the nature of sibling relationships. After all, we are responsible for our children, aren’t we? So we must have done something/not done something which led to this death. It is difficult to understand that we are not always in control, and things happen in spite of, not because of, us. It is part of the eventual acceptance and accommodation we have to make, but it can take years. There is a difference again, when the child who has died is an adult, and has not been living at home. Perhaps the above guilt feelings do not apply, but there is once again a different set of dynamics. Each individual grieves differently – husbands and wives, and surviving siblings. Just when they need the comfort that the family can provide, they are torn apart by their different emotions and reactions. The same anaesthetics of shock which serves as a buffer, also insulates each from the others. Each member of the family has too impossible a task coping with their own pain, to be able to comfort or support the others. Nothing makes any sense any more. All order has broken down. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon. Within the parameters of sudden death, are many differing types of death. We cannot here deal with these individual dynamics. Think, though, about a miscarriage, a cot-death, the drowning of a toddler, suicide and homicide, as well as road or other freak accidents. The death of an adult child has many further ramifications. Imagine the death of an only child, or horror of horrors, multiple deaths, or even a sudden, acute illness which is fatal. There is much to think about, and much to learn. We can do no more than touch upon the subject. Perhaps the most important things to remember is that grief is individual, that there are no time-tables, and that forever, compassion and understanding are the keynotes of nurturing. |
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