FEBUARY 2012

My dear Friends,

It’s not only at the start of a New Year that resolutions should be made and kept.  It’s an important discipline when facing the aftermath of the death of a loved one.  Motivational writer, Bronnie Ware, has some wishes that could inspire you.

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”   Grief carries many burdens, not least the judgments and expectations of those around us.  With the best will in the world there are few people who really do understand what we feel, how strange is this condition of grieving, and why we are so changed and so slow to adapt to different circumstances.  The desire that we should ‘get on with things’ is well-meant but fails to comprehend the extent of our misery and the difficulty of vanquishing the darkness of our desperation.  Being true to oneself means different things to each one of us but the valour, determination and patience required to assert ourselves are common to us all and not beyond our reach.  Concessions are made sometimes but by and large it’s the impetus to acknowledge our own needs that must take precedence.  Once we have established our unique equilibrium we are equipped to move along the path of grief to a kinder, more manageable destination.

“I wish I didn’t work so hard.”  Life’s competitive and rushed.  “Me time” is important for everyone and you the bereaved more than most.  Just as you find time in your lives for everything else make sure to factor in however long you need to think about yourself and how to plan your to-days and to-morrows.

“I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”  Why is it that we believe that not talking of someone, something, makes it disappear?  After initial condolences those around us tend to remain silent about our mourning.  They don’t speak of our loss, never mention our child’s name, behave as if we are the same people we once were.  In certain circles, under some circumstances, we may have to be still but it’s also our right to tell a select group how we feel and how we struggle.  Say your child’s name, speak about your love, share your memories.  It’s good for you and it sensitizes others to the nuances of grief.

“I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.”  The careless insensitivity of some people is agonizing to experience especially when it comes from the least expected quarters.  Some of this you may have to bear, some not.  It’s for you to realize which relationships can take the strain and which you must, alas, discard.  The friends you need are those who understand and accept you, who cherish and encourage you.  With them you must keep in touch.

“I wish I’d let myself be happier.”  In the maelstrom of grief happiness seems impossible.  It’s not, it does lie there for us.  It can be tempting to shut ourselves up and out and away from a better time because the struggle through loss is so exhausting, so painful and so lengthy.  Don’t give in.  Allow happiness to creep in again.  I’m convinced that’s what our children want most for us.

Much love,

Rosemary Dirmeik

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