We need your Email address 
AUGUST 2008
My dear Friends,
Francis Ford Coppola, the celebrated director of“Apocalypse now” and the Godfather trilogy, lost his
son Gian-Carlo in 1986 in a boating accident. Of
this tragedy he says, “When you lose your kid, it’s the first thing you think of
when you wake up in the morning for about seven or eight years. Then there’s
the first morning when that’s not the first thing you think of. You get brave.”
Those of you who haven’t grieved nearly as long as Coppola might doubt that the
day he speaks of could ever come. In fact you may not want that time, fearing
that it will erase your child from your memory. That can never be, for our
children are indelible.
That morning, however far off it may be for you, will dawn, and as Coppola
remarks you will “get brave”. Brave enough to accept changes and to make new
choices. Brave enough to assert your individual and unique hopes and needs.
Brave enough to embrace the equally special hopes and needs of others however
different they might be. Brave enough to take another venture at happiness and
commitment.
Although some of us are more adventurous than others, bravery’s not inborn; it
develops. Until tempered by fire, steel’s not strong. We too need challenges to
realize our fortitude. How ineffably sad for us all that our extra demonstration
of strength comes at such a cost, but because we’ve paid so dearly for it, this
courage must be treasured and never taken for granted. The memories of our
children deserve no less. To continue to live is part of being brave.
With much love my strong and valiant Friends,
Rosemary Dirmeik.
TCF Johannesburg South Africa.
----------------------------------------------------------
No one is immune from the sad experience of grieving the death of a loved one. Yet, until death comes into our lives and a significant person is no longer with us, our culture teaches us to deny death and minimize the impact it has on the quality of life. Then if we are lucky, we get a crash course in mourning from a counselor, clergy person, or social worker. No matter what we learn at that time, we have long been saddled with the burdens of half-truths and false beliefs perpetuated by well-meaning adults. Those assumptions and beliefs make it difficult to reach the ultimate goal of all grieving: accepting the reality of the loss. Acceptance means saying an intellectual, but more importantly, an emotional "yes" to this major change in our lives. Acceptance only comes through the concerted efforts of the person who is mourning. Contrary to an old piece of misinformation, time does not heal all wounds, unless the mourner does his/her grief work. Or, as a mother once said to me after the death of her 17 year old son in a car accident, "Time doesn't help unless you work between the minutes." The key understanding is that you must take daily action toward acceptance and reinvesting in life. All of this is easy to say but difficult to do. So what form should the action take? Here are five beginnings.
1. Talk to yourself every day and night that you will get through this dark soul-searching experience. What you say to yourself not only affects every cell in your body for good or for bad, but it will heavily affect the much needed action that only you can initiate.
2. Although essential, positive self-talk alone is not a panacea. You must start engineering small successes in order to realize you can adapt to this major life-change. This is the key factor. Make a plan to get you through this particular day (even the next hour) or one that you believe will be difficult for you. Maybe working part-time would be a success for you or getting through your tax return by yourself for the first time. Find something and go for it as it will strengthen your inner life.
3. Recognize how far
you have come. When you review your day, give yourself credit for where you are in your journey. If it has
only been a month or several months, note that you are still going and will continue to persist. Every day
tell yourself you will keep at it and know that things will change for the better. Your consistent action to
adapt will make the difference. Celebrate your progress with a friend you trust and who knows your pain.
4. Examine why you are where you are in your grief work. What skills have you used? Or what hidden talent have you uncovered that you didn't realize you had? Something has gotten you this far. Your ability to organize? Your commitment? A belief? Your faith? Knowing you are not alone or how to relate to caregivers? Keep using whatever it is and working on developing it even more. In short, recognize and use your strengths.
5. Start and end each day with gratitude memories. This will be especially useful
when you feel that downward spiral and anxiety over your loss starts to creep in. Review your day for the
good things that happened-an old friend called, you found the key you misplaced, got a raise in pay, your
computer is working well, etc.-and fully immerse yourself in the good feelings. This is sound mental
health in the making. Also, review your life with the deceased, and pick out some gratitude memories.
Focus on all you received and again immerse yourself in the feeling of being loved by him/her and a
Higher Power. In the final analysis, your action resulting in small successes, will be the determining
factor in eliminating unnecessary suffering from your time of mourning. In the process of adapting, get
rid of the notion that you can't have some moments of joy and inner peace. We all need them to balance
the sadness and negative thoughts that constantly seep into our thinking. It's okay to smile, feel good, or
have a laugh without feeling guilty-that's part of the action you can take and another small success. It will
recharge you as you return to continue adapting to your great loss.
-------------------------------------------------------------
** WALL OF REMEMBRANCE
Would you like to remember your loved one by adding their photographs to our wall of remembrance on this website ? If so please forward your photograph together with name, details and a short message.
NEWS...NEWS...NEWS...
* THIS IS YOUR NEWSLETTER & WEBSITE
We love receiving your contributions. You can’t believe just how much your feelings and experiences assist other parents who are struggling through their grief. Please just let us have any contributions by the 15th of each month. Sometimes submissions may have to be edited owing to space etc.
Fax 011-887 9494 or 
TCF BROCHURES TO DOWNLOAD
LINKS NOW WORKING !!
7 WAYS TO HELP WHEN SOMEONE DIES
DEALING WITH A DEATH BY ROAD ACCIDENT
FOR FIRST RESPONDERS, THOSE WHO BREAK THE NEWS
STILLBIRTH, MISCARRIAGE AND INFANT DEATH
SUGGESTIONS FOR MEDICAL PERSONNEL
SURVIVING YOUR CHILD'S' SUICIDE
7 PRINCIPLES OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
---------------------------------------------
How you can help Compassionate Friends. Please don’t ever assume that what you have to give is too little. We are grateful for any donations. If you do your grocery shopping and buy an extra bag of tea, sugar, coffee, toilet paper etc that you then donate to TCF it means we don’t have to spend money on those things. We can then use the money we have for newsletters and counselling. We also have a bin by the gate where you can leave your newspapers. If you make a cash donation we may now issue you with a tax certificate.
THANK YOU TO NASHUA NORTH FOR PRINTING OUR MONTHLY NEWSLETTER.
Our Mission Statement
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS is a mutual self-help organisation offering friendship and understanding to bereaved parents and siblings.
The primary purpose is to assist them in the positive resolution of the grief experienced upon the death of a child and to support their efforts to achieve physical and emotional health.
The secondary purpose is to provide information and education about bereaved parents and siblings. The objective is to help those in their community, including family, friends, employers, co-workers and professionals to be supportive.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The History of The Compassionate Friends 
TCF was founded by Reverend Simon Stephens in the UK in 1969 after he witnessed the support two bereaved families were able to draw from each other after losing a child. TCF was founded in South Africa in 1983 by Linda Abelheim and there are now more the 30 groups throughout the country.
All who belong to TCF have learned that the death of our child has caused a pain that can best be understood fully by another bereaved parent. Knowing that others need love and support, we reach out as our own grief subsides to those who still feel alone and abandoned.
TCF believes that bereaved parents can help each other towards a positive resolution of their grief, as we know that expressing thoughts and feelings is part of the healing process. We never suggest that there is a correct way to grieve or that there is a preferred solution to the emotional and spiritual dilemma raised by the deaths of our children - we understand that each parent must find his or her own way through grief.
TCF reaches out to all bereaved parents across artificial barriers of religion, race, ecomomic class, or ethnic group.
We also offer advice to other relatives, friends and professionals as to how to deal with those close to them who may be grieivng. To this end, TCF offers support literature and gives regular talks and presentations within the community, such as at schools, hospitals, corporates, the media and other charitable organisations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Registration No. 001-308 NPO - PBO No. 930000335 Fundraising No. 01100449007.
A Non-denominational self-help organisation.
Founders: Reverend Simon Stephens (England) and Linda belheim (South Africa)
