To a large degree, the measure of our peace of mind is determined by how much we are able to live in the present moment. Irrespective of what happened yesterday or last year, and what may or may not happen tomorrow, the present moment is where you are always! Without question, many of us have mastered the neurotic art of spending much of our lives worrying about a variety of things –all at once. We allow past problems and future concerns to dominate our present moments, so much so that we end up anxious,
frustrated, depressed and hopeless. On the flip side, we also postpone our gratification, our stated priorities, and our happiness, often convincing ourselves that ``someday`` will be better than today.
Unfortunately, the same mental dynamics that tell us to look toward the furor will only repeat themselves so that `` someday`` never actually arrives. John Lennon once said, ``Life is what’s happening while we`re busy making other plans`` When we`re busy making ``other plans`` the people we love are moving away and dying, our bodies are getting out of shape, and our dreams are slipping away. In short, we miss out on life. Many people live as if life were a dress rehearsal for some later date. It isn’t. In fact, no one has a
guarantee that he or she will be here tomorrow. Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over. When our attention is in the present moment, we push fear from our minds. Fear is concern over event that might happen in the future – we won`t have enough money, our children will be in danger, we will get old and die, whatever. To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present. Mark Twain said `` I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.`` I don’t think I can say it any better. Practice keeping your attention on the here and now. Your efforts will pay great dividends. – By Richard Carlson, extract from ``Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…``

WHAT IS GRIEF ?

When we have emotional, physical, and spiritual reactions in response to a death or loss, it's known as grief or grieving. People who are grieving might: feel strong emotions, such as sadness and anger have physical reactions, such as not sleeping or even waves of nausea have spiritual reactions to a death — for example, some people find themselves
questioning their beliefs and feeling disappointed in their religion while others find that they feel more strongly than ever about their faith. The grieving process takes time and healing usually happens gradually. The intensity of grief may be related to how sudden or predictable the loss was and how you felt about the person who died. Some people
write about grief happening in stages, but usually it feels more like "waves" or cycles of grief that come and go depending on what you are doing and if there are triggers for remembering the person who has died. If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such as a child, brother, or sister, you may feel cheated out of time you wanted to
have with that person. It can also feel hard to express your own grief when other family members are grieving, too. Some people may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about the person who died because they worry that it may make a parent or other family member such as a spouse, sad. It's also natural to feel some guilt over a past argument or a difficult relationship with the person who died. All of these feelings and reactions are OK — but what can people
do to get through them? How long does grief last? Will things ever get back to normal? And how will you go on without the person who has died?

Coping With Grief
Just as people feel grief in many different ways, they handle it differently, too. Some people reach out for support from others and find comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to take their minds off the loss. Some people become depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of the way to avoid the places or situations that remind them of the person who has died. For some people, it can help to talk about the loss with others. Some do this naturally and easily with friends and family, while others talk to a professional therapist. Some people may not feel like talking about it much at all because it's hard to find the words to express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder whether talking will make them feel the hurt more. This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with your pain. People sometimes deal with their sorrow by engaging in dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain, but the feeling is only temporary. This isn't really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all those feelings build up inside
and only prolongs the grief. If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell someone you trust about how you feel.

What to ExpectIt may feel like it might be impossible to recover after losing someone you love. But grief does get gradually better and become less intense as time goes by. To help get through the pain, it can help to know some of the things you might expect during the grieving process. The first few days after someone dies can be intense, with people expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying, comforting each other, and gathering to express their support and condolences to the ones most affected by the loss. It is common to feel as if you are "going crazy" and feel extremes of anxiety, panic, sadness, and helplessness. Some people describe feeling "unreal," as if they're looking at the world from a faraway place. Others feel moody, irritable, and resentful. Family and friends often participate in rituals that may be part of their religious, cultural, community, or family traditions, such as memorial services, wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people get through the first days after a death and honour the person who died. People might spend time together talking and sharing memories about their loved one. This may continue for days or weeks following the loss as friends and family bring food, send cards, or stop by to visit. Many times, people show their emotions during this time. But sometimes a person can be so shocked or overwhelmed by the death that he or she doesn't show any
emotion right away — even though the loss is very hard. And it's not uncommon to see people smiling and talking with others at a funeral, as if something sad had not happened. But being among other mourners can be a comfort, reminding us that some things will stay the same. Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving end, people might feel like they should be "over it" because everything seems to have gone back to normal. When those who are grieving first go back to their normal activities, it might be hard to put their hearts into everyday things. Many people go back to doing regular things after a few days or a week. But although they may not talk about their loss as much, the grieving process continues. It's natural to continue to have feelings and questions for a while after someone dies. It's also natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending on how close you were to the person who died. No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss.

Caring for Yourself
The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in certain small but important ways. Here are some that might help: Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know that you can (and will) heal over time. Participate in rituals. Memorial services, funerals, and other traditions help people get through the
first few days and honour the person who died. Be with others. Even informal gatherings of family and friends bring a sense of support and help people not to feel so isolated in the first days and weeks of their grief. Talk about it when you can. Some people find it helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel pressured to talk. Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like talking, find ways to express your emotions and thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the memories you have of the person you lost and how you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem, or tribute about your loved one. You can do this privately or share it with others. Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if you need to. Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or you may not feel hungry, but your body still needs nutritious foods. Join a support group. If you think you may be interested in attending a support group. The thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone with your feelings or your pain. Let your emotions be expressed and released. Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular songs or doing other activities is painful because it brings back memories of the person that you lost; this is common. After a while, it becomes less painful. Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way, such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast cancer race, for example) in honour of the lost loved one.

Getting Help for Intense Grief
If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very important to tell someone. How do you know if your grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs: You've been grieving for 4 months or more and you aren't feeling any better. You feel depressed. Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't go on with your normal activities. Your grief is affecting your ability to concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally do. You feel you can't go on living after the loss or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting yourself. It's natural for loss to cause people to think about death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way, or if you feel that you can't go on living, it's important that you tell someone right away. Counselling with a professional therapist can help because it allows you to talk about your loss and express strong feelings.

Will I Ever Get Over This?
Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving person they need to "move on" after a loss. Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make people hesitate to talk about their loss, or make people think they're grieving wrong or too long, or that they're not normal. It can help to remember that the grieving process is very personal and individual — there's no right or wrong way to grieve. We all take our own time to heal. It's important for grieving people to not drop out of life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on, maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing things you normally would such as being with friends, caring for your pet going to work or working out. Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longermiss the person. And how long it takes until you start to feel better isn't a measure of how much you loved the person. With time, the loving support of family and friends, and your own positive actions, you can find ways to cope with even the deepest loss. When I think of the horror movie "The Ring," I remember what one of my friends said, which explained why she was so afraid of the movie: "It doesn't choose those who are young or old, or sick or healthy, it just chooses. Randomly." This is how I think of cancer. It has no predetermined plan. It does not matter if you are old or young. I had the perfect life. It was a bubble that could not be pierced by unhappiness. No one died, no one was sick; we were all happy and loving life. Then I discovered my son had cancer. No matter how much I told myself he could
live, that he might not die, somehow I still felt as if it was a death sentence. He was so young, only 6. He fought so hard. Whenever I feel my own life taking a turn for the worse, as if things will never get better, I remember how many years he lived fighting such a scary and difficult disease. When he died, he died with a huge party going on around him,
with all his friends and adult family. I honestly don't know how I coped. I never cried alone. I had the compassion of my friends and the support of my family.
Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: March 2006

This page sponsored by Erica & Peter Tattersall in loving memory of
their beloved son and brother of Kim.
NEILL 31.07.1984 – 24.01.2008
``The best way to honour and remember those who have passed away is to relive their best trait every day..``