TCFSA Words of Inspiration

I asked for Strength....
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.........
And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.........
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.........
And God gave me Danger to
overcome.
I asked for Love.........
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors.........
And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted ........
I received everything I needed!

Come to me in my dreams, and then
by day I shall be well again!

For then the night will more than pay
the hopeless longing of the day.
~ Matthew Arnold

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A Hug
Without using words we can reach out to another human being. All it requires is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a
gentle touch, a sympathetic
heart, a listen ear.

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They that love beyond
the world cannot be
separated by it. …
Death is but crossing
the world, as friends
do the seas; they live
in one another still.
[William Penn]

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You miss 100 percent of the shots
you never take.
Wayne Gretzky

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Until you can accept yourself you lock the doorway to the expansion you all yearn for. This expansion comes through your heart. Be kind to yourself. … Love is an unbreakable connection.
Meditation is a path that will help you release the treasures of self-love that rest deep within you. [Emmanuel]

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LET US THEREFORE, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

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[From: Healing Hope and Words of Comfort by Teen Schreenan.]

Don’t tell me you know how I feel, You haven’t walked in my shoes.
Don’t tell me I have other children to love,
That won’t bring back the son that I lost.
Don’t tell me to get out of the house, Maybe I just want to stay here and mourn for my
lost son. Don’t tell me it will get better, From my point of view it will never be better.
Don’t tell me it could be worse, how much worse than this could it be.
Don’t tell me to trust in God, That won’t bring my son back. Don’t tell me to eat and take care of myself. Maybe the food won’t stay down.
Maybe I don’t care about myself right now.
Don’t tell me to try to get some sleep.
Don’t you think I would love to sleep?
Don’t tell me all this,
You haven’t walked in my shoes. Do tell me you care. Do tell me you love me. Do tell me you will be there if I need you. If I need to just talk to call you. Or better yet, you call me.
Just listen, that’s all, just listen. Do let me cry.
Do let me mourn.
Do let me experience this terrible loss that I feel. That is all I ask. She who has held her child Though it were for but a moment or perhaps a short while is blessed For the memory of a moment can last forever, the rest of her life and perhaps beyond. [Erica Barlett]

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Weaving a New Fabric
[ Below is a contribution by a reader who recently lost a loved one and wrote this in a spontaneous email to friends and family]

a new fabric ... the old one is torn with a huge hole in the middle ... what fell out ..
taken away by those nasty cells was wonderful and unique ... full of love and
compassion ... bursting with giving and caring ... and all we have are memories to
fill that huge vacant hole ... but memories are not enough ... they don't talk back ...
they don't touch back... they don't smile back ... they are just there ... set in our own
memory banks ... and stored in a special place in our hearts ... protected ... honoured
... but they are not enough ... but they are enough ...they must suffice ...
and each of us, with our own needle and thread will weave a new fabric ... it will be
different ... and we will learn to wear it ... it won't fit at first ... feel clumsy and
odd...but with time it will fit ... be it a different shape and colour ... and the
memories wrapped and woven in it will give us comfort and peace ... we love you ...
we will miss you ... but you will not be forgotten ... you are in a safe, loving and
secure place within the hearts of all you touched...
--Anonymous

A few years ago, A YOUNG MAN when died by his own hand, a service was conducted by his pastor, Reverend Weston Stevens. Here are some of his words:
“Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They
exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won! For one thing – he has won our admiration – because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit and pride and hope that he has used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindness and thoughtfulness, through his love for his family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honourable. We shall remember
not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had. Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know – and understands.”

---

LEARNING TO LIVE WITH A BROKEN HEART
Eleven years ago, on July 29th, 1989, my life changed forever.
That was the day my beloved Amanda, my eighteen year old
daughter, was killed in a car crash. How has hear death affected
and altered my life?
I have learned that there are no guarantees in life. I have learned to appreciate and live each day as though it was my last.
I have learned that I can’t make bargains with a higher power.
I have learned to recognize and separate what is really important
from the trivial and unimportant.
I have learned that to assign blame or place guilt cannot change
events, nor can it help the healing.
I have learned how to listen and be sympathetic to people who are hurting.
I have learned that having a sense of humour does not keep me from feeling the pain of Amanda’s death.
I have learned that dealing with the death of a loved one is
healthier than not confronting the pain.
I have learned that, as a result of this tragedy and the pain I have
felt, a new “me” has emerged.
I have learned to live with the new “me”,
I have learned to live with a broken heart.

[Mel Giniger, LA Chapter, BP USA Lovingly reprinted from “Reflections” TCF of WA Inc.]

Coping With Grief

Just as people feel grief in many different ways, they handle it differently, too. Some people reach out for support from others and find comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to take their minds off the loss. Some people become depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of the way to avoid the places or situations that remind them of the person who has died. For some people, it can help to talk about the loss with others. Some do this naturally and easily with friends and family, while others talk to a professional therapist. Some people may not feel like talking about it much at all because it's hard to find the words to express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder whether talking will make them feel the hurt more. This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with your pain. People sometimes deal with their sorrow by engaging in dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain, but the feeling is only temporary. This isn't really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all those feelings build up inside
and only prolongs the grief. If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell someone you trust about how you feel.

Will I Ever Get Over This?
Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving person they need to "move on" after a loss. Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make people hesitate to talk about their loss, or make people think they're grieving wrong or too long, or that they're not normal. It can help to remember that the grieving process is very personal and individual — there's no right or wrong way to grieve. We all take our own time to heal. It's important for grieving people to not drop out of life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on, maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing things you normally would such as being with friends, caring for your pet going to work or working out. Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longermiss the person. And how long it takes until you start to feel better isn't a measure of how much you loved the person. With time, the loving support of family and friends, and your own positive actions, you can find ways to cope with even the deepest loss. When I think of the horror movie "The Ring," I remember what one of my friends said, which explained why she was so afraid of the movie: "It doesn't choose those who are young or old, or sick or healthy, it just chooses. Randomly." This is how I think of cancer. It has no predetermined plan. It does not matter if you are old or young. I had the perfect life. It was a bubble that could not be pierced by unhappiness. No one died, no one was sick; we were all happy and loving life. Then I discovered my son had cancer. No matter how much I told myself he could live, that he might not die, somehow I still felt as if it was a death sentence. He was so young, only 6. He fought so hard. Whenever I feel my own life taking a turn for the worse, as if things will never get better, I remember how many years he lived fighting such a scary and difficult disease. When he died, he died with a huge party going on around him, with all his friends and adult family. I honestly don't know how I coped. I never cried alone. I had the compassion of my friends and the support of my family.

Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: March 2006

Getting Help for Intense Grief
If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very important to tell someone. How do you know if your grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs: You've been grieving for 4 months or more and you aren't feeling any better. You feel depressed. Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't go on with your normal activities. Your grief is affecting your ability to concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally do. You feel you can't go on living after the loss or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting yourself. It's natural for loss to cause people to think about death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way, or if you feel that you can't go on living, it's important that you tell someone right away. Counselling with a professional therapist can help because it allows you to talk about your loss and express strong feelings.

We are one people, one community and the death of one is the concern of all. In the face of death man can achieve grandeur, but if he turns his back on death he remains a child, clinging to a land of make-believe. For death is not the ending of the pattern of life’s unwinding, but a necessary interruption. Through the painful work of grieving we rediscover the past and weave it afresh into a new reality.
Our aim cannot be to cancel out the past, to try to forget, but to ensure that the strength and meaning which gave beauty to the old pattern is remembered and reinterpreted in the pattern now emerging. Every man must die but the world is permanently changed by each man’s existence. At the point of death we meet the forces of social evolution. We may back away in fear, refuse the chance to change, drown our pain in drugs or alcohol or meaningless activity, or we may accept the pains of grief and begin the long struggle to rediscover meaning in a life whose meanings can no longer be taken for granted. There is no easy way through the long valley but we have faith in the ability of each one to find his own way, given time and the encouragement of the rest of us. [Colin Murray Parkes]

The spiritual leaders of the Hassidim, that mystical Jewish movement in Russia a couple of centuries ago, usually taught in word-pictures, metaphors. One such image was the story of the Sorrow Tree.
When the Hassidic pilgrims were arguing about who had suffered the most, their spiritual leader taught them a story. Its theme is that, come Judgement Day, everyone will be permitted to hang up all his own personal miseries on one of the branches of the huge Tree of Sorrows. After this has been done, and everyone has found a branch, they will all walk round the tree. They have to look for someone else’s burdens, which they might shoulder in preference to their own. In the end every person takes back his own sorrows: they seem more bearable than any of the others. [Adapted from Hassidic Teaching]

The Butterfly
Transmutation, Dance of Joy
The butterfly is the symbol of change, joy and colour,
It is the symbol of the soul,
They remind us that life is a dance,
Not to take things quite so seriously,
They also remind us to get up and move,
Dance brings the sweetness of life.
Butterflies bright colour and joy to your life.
Look at them and remember what joy is in your
life, if it’s a lot or a little, it is still joy.
They teach us that growth and transformation
does not have to be traumatic;
It can occur gently, sweetly, joyfully,
If a butterfly totem has shown up in your life,
Make note of the most important issues in your
life, and see what needed to change.

[Lin OIberlin]

Death is nothing at all: I have only slipped
away into the next room. I am I, and you are
you. Whatever we were to each other, that we
still are. Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you
always used. Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed. At the little
jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think
of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the
household word. Its always was, let it be
spoken without effect. Without the trace of a
shadow on it. Life means all that it ever
meant. It is the same as it ever was: there is
unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of
mind because I m out of sight? I am waiting
for you, for an interval. Somewhere very near
just round the corner. All is well.
In memory of her daughter Jane Jiyane &
mother of Mandisa: Emily Mashigo.

WORDS OF INSPIRATION

The Heart Shaped Balloon
The heart shaped balloon rises
- suspended with the weight of all the
LOVE - the LONGING , for her father who
died when she was only 2!
It fills the innocent sky and is mirrored in
the heavy lake below . . . and slowly
disappears.
The little girl is now 7 and scribbled on
delicate surface "DADDY I LOVE YOU."
For all the children honouring their Fathers
and Mothers whose love for them is in that
"heart".

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then atl the unattended stress fatts in
On the mind like an endtess, increasing weight,
The tight in the mind becomes dim.
Thinqs you could take in your stride before
Now become laboursome events of wit[.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falting inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The ride you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has ctosed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to [ife.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patientty learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking wilt darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears wi[[ frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your sout has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To att the smatl miractes you rushed through.
Become inctined to watch the way of rain
When it falts slow and free.
lmitate the habit of twitight,
Taking time to open the we[[ of cotor
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the sitence of stone
Until its catmness can claim you.
Be excessivety gentle with yoursetf.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feets they have all the time in the world.
Gradualty, you wi[[ return to yoursetf,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwetts far within slow time.

Here are a few hints to help you through these days after the loss of a child.

Pamper yourself – this is a special day in your life. You are a parent forever and your child is your child forever.
Do what you need to day – what helps you. Grieve your way.
Be with those who surround you with love, not demands or advice.
Plan ahead – do things that make you feel good or give you a moment’s peace.
Start new rituals to make new memories.
Share your thoughts with family members; decide together what the day should include. (If you are alone, find a good friend.)
Include deceased children in the day – through prayer, lighting a candle, telling stories about them, looking through pictures, planting flowers or a garden, doing a good deed, writing about them, making their favourite recipe.
Join with another bereaved family to honour this day and have mutual support.
Start a garden or add to a special garden in memory of your child. Special.
Use this day to plant spring flowers so you can always see your child in each bloom and each bouquet that you cut.
Visit the cemetery if that helps your heart on this day.
Plant a flower or shrub that will come to bloom this time of the year.
Do something special for someone else or something special in your child’s name (helping Cancer Care, MADD, Scouting, a nursing home, etc.).
Listen to music that makes your heart feel good.
Cook some favourite recipes that your child enjoyed or cooked for you.
Buy a present for yourself from your child and enjoy the comfort it brings you.
Write a poem or article in memory of your child, sharing memories or whatever has helped you.
Attend a family gathering of relatives – their love and support can give you a lift on this day.
Make a booklet of favourite poems that help your heart, and give copies to dear relatives and friends in memory of your child.
`Take part in a special church ceremony honouring Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Pray to your child – talking is the best medicine and prayer is simply talking.
Set aside some special time to grieve, unloading all the frustration and sadness that can envelop you on such a day giving you time to meditate alone.
Write a letter to your child, telling what’s in your heart (perhaps some unfinished business or some new blessing that has enriched your life).
Allow the tears to flow – crying is healing and allows a release for your feelings.
Think of a way to “share your child with the world” – making sure his or her memory lives on through scholarships, writing, good deeds.
Give and get plenty of hugs. [Elaine Stillwell]

flower3

For every mountain there is a valley,
Below the hill a brooklet flows,
After each cloud there is a sun break,
For every thorn there is a rose.
After the dark there comes a dawning,
And heavy snows will melt away.
After raindrops comes the sunlight,
After night God sends the day.
After heartbreak comes the stillness,
After tears there comes a smile,
After sorrow there is healing, and
sweet peace comes, after while.
By: Mamie Ozburn Odum

wild horses Willing to Experience our Suffering

A few weeks ago someone gave me an interesting article on suffering, and the first part of it was on the meaning of the word – “suffering”. I’m interested in these meanings; they are teachings in themselves.
The writer of this article pointed out that the word “suffering” is used to express many things. The second part “fer”, is from the Latin word “ferre,” meaning “to bear.” And the first part, “suf” is from sub, meaning “under.” So there’s a feeling in the word “to be under,” “to bear under,” “to totally be
under” – “to be supporting something from underneath.”

So (remembering the definition of the word “suffer”) until we bow down and bear the suffering of life, not
opposing it, but absorbing it and being it – we cannot see what our life is. This by no means implies passivity or non-action, but action from a state of complete acceptance. Even “acceptance” is not quite accurate – it’s simply being the suffering. It isn’t a matter of protecting ourselves, or accepting something else. Complete openness, complete vulnerability is (surprisingly enough) the only satisfactory way of living our life.

Our practice throughout our lifetime is just this: At any given time we have a rigid viewpoint or stance about life; it includes some things, it excludes others. We may stick with it for a long time, but if we are sincerely practicing our practice itself will shake up that viewpoint; we can’t maintain it. As we begin to question our viewpoint we may feel struggle, upset, as we try to come to terms with this new insight into our life; and for a long time we may deny it and struggle against it. That’s part of practice. Finally we become willing to experience our suffering instead of fighting it. When we do so our standpoint, our vision of life, abruptly shifts. Then once again, with our new viewpoint, we go along for a while – until the cycle begins anew. Once again the unease comes up. And we have to struggle, to go through it again. Each time we do this – each time we go into the suffering and let it be – our vision of life enlarges. It’s like climbing a mountain. At each point that we ascend we see more; and that becomes broader with each cycle of climbing, of struggle. And the more we see, the more expansive our vision, the more we know what to do, what action to take.

Charlotte Joko Beck, from “Everyday Zen: Love and Work”

The Hardest Lesson - by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross dec2

The sole purpose of life is to grow. The ultimate lesson is learning how to love and be loved unconditionally. There are millions of people on Earth who are starving. There are millions who are homeless. There are millions who have AIDS.

There are millions who have been abused. There are millions of people who struggle with disabilities. Everyday someone new cries out for understanding and compassion. Listen to the sound. Hear the call as if it was beautiful music. I can assure you that the greatest rewards in your whole life will come from opening your heart to those in need. The greatest blessings always come from helping.

I truly believe that my truth is a universal one -- above all religions, economics, race and colour -- shared by the common experience of life. All people come from the same source and return to the same source. We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally. All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God,
are in reality like gifts.

They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life. It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came here to do. The hardest lesson to learn is unconditional love.

Dying is nothing to fear. It can be the most wonderful experience of your life. It all depends on how you have lived. (these were the last words she published; she's a world renowned doctor, psychiatrist and thanatologist who spent her whole life working with the dying, children, and AIDS patients; she is also credited with bringing the hospice movement to the U.S.)

Caring for Yourself
The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in certain small but important ways. Here are some that might help: Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know that you can (and will) heal over time. Participate in rituals. Memorial services, funerals, and other traditions help people get through the first few days and honour the person who died. Be with others. Even informal gatherings of family and friends bring a sense of support and help people not to feel so isolated in the first days and weeks of their grief. Talk about it when you can. Some people find it helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel pressured to talk. Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like talking, find ways to express your emotions and thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the memories you have of the person you lost and how you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem, or tribute about your loved one. You can do this privately or share it with others. Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if you need to. Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or you may not feel hungry, but your body still needs nutritious foods. Join a support group. If you think you may be interested in attending a support group. The thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone with your feelings or your pain. Let your emotions be expressed and released. Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular songs or doing other activities is painful because it brings back memories of the person that you lost; this is common. After a while, it becomes less painful. Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way, such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast cancer race, for example) in honour of the lost loved one.

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