Sibling Corner of the TCF

NEWS & EVENTS

CONTACT US

SIBLING

Contact our Siblings’ facilitator, Maureen Conway 082 452 4490

Thank you to all those who have been in touch to say that they would like to be in contact with other bereaved brothers and sisters.

For those of you who are reading this newsletter for the first time, “Sibling’s Corner” puts bereaved brothers and sisters in contact with each other for mutual support and also gives help to those looking to set up support groups.

DON'T MOURN TOO MUCH FOR ME WHEN I AM GONE

I have found a new place where I can be free,
A whole new beginning just made for me.
I know only peace, and I never feel pain,
Days full of sunshine and not too much rain.
I’m no longer old, I’ve recovered my youth,
And all my dreams are now my truth.
I can smile, I can laugh, I can walk, I can run,
I can hear every whisper; I can see past the sun.
My body is whole, my mind is so clear,
I know all the answers, and I’m quite free of fear.

I know why you mourn me, I see why you weep;
Yours hearts full of aching from a love that was deep.
I am grateful for loved ones that hold me so dear,
But remember that I’ve found a better place here.
I will be there beside you, always nearby.
Don’t mourn me too long, and try not to cry.
Whenever your sorrow bears down on your heart,
Think not of my ending, But of my new start...

Friendship is a precious gift that cannot be bought or sold, Its value is far greater than a mountain made of gold, For gold is cold and lifeless, it can neither see nor hear,
And at a time of trouble it is powerless to cheer.

It has no ear to listen, no heart to understand,
No tender word to give you, can’t lend a helping hand, So when you ask God for a gift, be thankful if he sends
No diamonds, pearls or riches, But the love of true real friends.

Decide the path you want to travel; allow yourself to make mistakes; change your mind sometimes; but never forget those along the way.
The only ones among you who will be really happy, are those who have sought and found how to serve.

Albert Schweitzer on Happiness ..

Faith is the lone candle in the darkness when you feel jettisoned out into space, and the invisible net that lies beneath you when you feel as though you may stumble.

It is what carries you through those patches of temporary amnesia. Faith is simply believing, without any tangible proof, that although the truth may seem eclipsed at times, it does not disappear forever. It simply lies dormant inside you until you reconnect with your innate wisdom.

SIBLING CORNER

I Have a Sister

“Promise me something”. My sister’s voice from the bed almost made me jump. I thought she was asleep, and I was trying hard to stay awake. That Saturday had begun early when the hospital had called me out at 5:00 am because Jenny wouldn’t settle unless I came. It was now about 7:00 am and I was wondering if I could get back to bed for a bit myself.

It had been four weeks since I had thrust my Dallas life aside to return to the UK. We have been told that Jenny was seriously ill and might not survive the night. Four weeks of roller-coaster emotions, clinging to every hopeful sign. Praying, pleading with God for my sister’s life.

I think there were only two of us who knew she would probably die – me and Jenny herself. Of course we never discussed it, but things Jenny said to me, like “If I have to go, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t love you”, had gripped my heart. Although I still clung to straws, I was the only person who knew how close to death Jenny had been a couple of years previously and what was wrong with her. I had also been living, since that first illness, with the memory of Jenny, at age 14 or so, coming to me and saying, “I don’t want to upset you, but I thought you ought to know that God has told me that I will only live until my early forties”. Did Jenny ever remember that during those last six weeks of her life? I don’t know, but I hope so because it has given to me a sense of security that God is in control.

Our greatest gift was those last six weeks we spent together. Jenny could have died on June 4 without me even having a chance to see her again. In fact, in a sense I believe she should have died that night, but God graciously gave her six more weeks to spend with her family. For that, I am more grateful than I can say.

During those six weeks, we were permitted to share so many things, not so much in words but in deeds. I found, in the power of the love I had for my sister, the ability to do things I would never have imagined doing – I even earned the privilege of being the only person who could scratch her feet right! We would share sticks of cheese, Twirls, “bursting beetles” (I never knew there were such things). Trivial things, but such precious memories.

More precious still was the joy of being able to pray together – mostly Jenny would grab my hands and command, “Pray”, but sometimes I would offer and sometimes Jenny herself would pray. It did not seem to me that Jenny was at all afraid to die – her renewed faith was strong – she just didn’t want to leave us.

My gift to Jenny in those weeks was my love, the knowledge that she could depend on me for anything. If she wanted me there in the middle of the night, she knew I would come. Her gift to me was that for perhaps the first time in her life she not only needed, but wanted, her “big sister”. We had begun to draw close over the past three years, but in these last six weeks of Jen’s life we achieved the closeness that I had longed for all my life.

So what did Jenny want me to promise that Saturday morning? “Promise me that we will never lose this closeness we have developed over the last four weeks”. That request made me the happiest person alive. The memory brings tears to my eyes, but a warmth to my heart.

Yet, in such closeness there is potential for pain as well as joy. Just two weeks after that morning, the Lord took Jenny home, and, because we have grown so close, she took part of me with her.

Someone wrote: “Sisters share the memories of the past, the joys of the present, and the hopes for the future”. When Jenny died those shared memories died too – and so, for the moment, have present joys and future hopes. But although my life changed forever on July 18, 2004, ultimately my joy and my future never lay in Jenny’s hands, but in the hands of God.

I have a T-shirt that reads “Cats leave footprints on your heart”. We …, just as Jenny took something of me with her, so she left her footprints on my heart . Yes, Jenny, I can still keep my promise – our closeness will never change because I will think of you every day for the rest of my life. You have not ceased to exist, you are just out of my reach for the moment. And one day, my beloved sister, we will be reunited, never to part again.

[Sharon Gray, Oak Brook, IL, USA]

Siblings Speak Out

The following ideas were formulated from the Siblings Speak Out workshop held in Columbus, Ohio last July. The workshop was part of the 11th National TCF Conference. The workshop consisted of five siblings leading a rap session between siblings and parents. Hopefully some of your own feelings have been summarized here for you to read and share. We thank Jacqueline Bruhn from Arlington, Virginia for summarizing the discussion for us.

Surviving children understand a parents’ fear of another loss after the death of their child, but they feel that they should be allowed to live a normal life.
Some are concerned when their parent/parents keep their grief bottled up inside and will not talk it out with them.
Some parents want their child to grieve immediately. They will grieve when they are ready.
Siblings resent people telling them that they must be strong for their parents. Many took this advice only to crash years later.
Just as the relationship to the dead child was different between sibling and parent, they will grieve differently. Many parents want their surviving children to grieve as they do.
Surviving children resent being compared constantly to their dead sibling at home, in school, among relatives and friends. Again, they are different people.
They feel that parents tend to put the dead child on a pedestal, that they never did anything wrong, when the surviving sibling knows differently.
Bereaved parents put more emphasis on the child that is not here and forgets the child that is here.
Just because a sibling is not grieving openly doesn’t mean that he/she isn’t grieving. They could be doing it privately.
Bereaved siblings are different people after the death of their brother/sister just like their parents are. Their personalities may change, values also. They view life as precious and are fearful that they may lose someone else. They sometimes tend to be overprotective of their parents.
Don’t try to force siblings to attend TCF meetings. They will go when they feel they are ready, or need to.
Surviving siblings have a strong need to know that they are loved as much as their dead sibling. They get messages that the dead child was loved more. “Would you grieve so deeply if it was me?”
If siblings refuse to bring up the subject of their dead sibling, many times it’s because they don’t want to cause the parents any more pain or to make them cry. Siblings may be talking to a friend about it instead.
Don’t force siblings to go to the cemetery if they don’t want to go. Just as adults have varying needs on cemetery-going, so do siblings.
Siblings just want parents to be there when they need them … .
When you talk, talk with your children, don’t talk at them; don’t talk to them.

[National Sibling Newsletter, Winter 1988]

butterfly

LOGO

THIS PAGE IS AVAILABLE FOR SPONSORSHIP